


Untitled

by Outofangband



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Abuse, Angband, PTSD, Suicidal Ideation, Violence, in progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-07 12:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15908271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outofangband/pseuds/Outofangband
Summary: Maedhros attempts to speak about his experiences. It is difficult to stay on topic but he manages to convey a vivid picture to Fingon, even if it's not the one his cousin was expecting.





	1. Chapter 1

_ I will speak with you Finnó if you will allow it. I fear that as much as I loathe to return, even in thoughts to such times, my mind will errode with the flashes of images and sensations.  _

(Meta Ambush _ ) _

        A bright and clear morning. Early Spring weather with clouds ahead over the mountains. 

It smelled of last night’s rain There was tension in the air like dry fields before summer storms. Static and heart racing.  I traveled with thirty adept brave soldiers. I knew all their names once. Felt the isolation when we arrived and knew we were being watched We were on guard. On edge. I raised my voice at my group. 

I was going to apologize when they came. I could barely call out orders before it began. In the chaos and the violence those were the last words they heard from me

I tried to engage but my enemies seemed occupied with slaughtering my people 

_ ( I should have known, I should have known)  _

_ (How? How could you have known?) _

Then it was over and once again I was standing amongst dead elves. Not a scratch on me but covered in blood. My people had fought well When the  _ monsters _ approached me there were only eight. I killed one and then two before I was brought to the ground.

Should have begged for death then. Should have asked Namo to show any mercy he could.

**Should have MADE THEM KILL ME**

( _ Breathe, Nelyo. You are safe here _ .)

… But in my fury and the height of battle crashing down All I could see were the remains of my guard. Two were known to me since childhood. For all I know they are still there now, sprawled in the mountain thyme and gripping the heather. 

I was dragged away in coarse ropes. I see bloodied robes and pale faces I was screaming and cursing simply because I still could.

( _ Arrival) _

Dragged through the doors like an unruly child, trying to grip onto anything. Snarling and scratching. I was proud when I provoked one to striking me Then thrown in a cell angry and ruffled Wasted my voice screaming insults Pacing restlessly like the final days of a rabid wolf

Dark surroundings. Underground caverns where fires rage in the forges nearby. My hair clings to my face. Feverish and agitated. No longer involved in this battle

I should have known the Lords of Angband would not let me be in peace in my imprisonment. I should have taken my life then. I am intelligent and resourceful. I should have found a way

( _ Do not speak such, Nelyo! You have survived _ )

He came days later. The lieutenant. Gorthaur the Cruel calling himself  _ Mairon _ still.  _ The Admirable.  _ He kept up the pretense that I was to be questioned for but a moment. He did not… he did not care for information unless it interested him personally. I made the mistake of engaging, Finnó. I argued with him, insulted him, tried to fight. I made his game more amusing. I was foolish and proud. In my fury and defiance, I offered him priceless vulnerability. I expected pain.  _ Real  _ pain. Knives and whips and beatings. But of course, I had already steeled myself against such instruments. I had expected to be used to extract the secrets of my armies and had resolved myself to never speak a word. I was foolish. I should have known that the lieutenant of Morgoth was far more creative. I was foolish for merely learning to protect myself against the crude methods of orcs. I thought I could withstand pain and torment. I should have known.

( _ You did withstand it, Nelyo. You are alive. You are here. You are healing) _

(...)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains a scene of sexual assault. It is not graphic but it is upsetting.

(...)

It was a dance. A struggle for power I thought I could hold my ground in. Physically we moved until I found myself against the wall. Cornered. I did not heed the warnings I felt every time _Mairon_ stepped closer and I stepped back, so focused was I on a battle of wit and tongue. He smiled. Placed one hand one either side of my head. I glared at him. Tried to kick him but he used himself to hold me there. He whispered in my ear as I screamed for him to leave me be, to not touch me as though he might heed my refusal. As though it did not entice him further. He spoke so as to twist and corrupt, to fool me into thinking his words were my own thoughts. I thought…

I… I

( _Breathe Nelyo. Take the time you need)_

I was not afraid for still I did not know or did not let myself know. He moved his left and I thought he would strike me or cut me but… he merely grabbed my wrist. Turned it sharply to hold against the wall. He said...Foul things.

( _‘Your defiance has placed me in an unfortunate position, Maitimo’_ Maitimo, ALWAYS Maitimo, ‘ _For I do not usually couple with those who still wish me harm but maybe… just maybe… you will calm enough afterwards so that we can continue more productively_ STOP)

**Stop I do not want to hear his voice…  I do not want**

_(Nelyo, it is alright, here let me take your hands. You need not cover your face. You are safe. He is not here)_

_(He does not need to be, Finnó… but I… I will continue for if I do not I will not return with you)_

He parted my legs with his own. He grabbed my hair and held me closer. I flinched expecting anger and violence but then his was… kissing…  my neck. His hand moved in my hair… almost… _gently._ I was foolish, Finnó. I responded with anger and indigence. I struggled and fought and yelled at him. I told him he was depraved. He… laughed. Bit me. I cried out. I couldn’t help it, I tried to. I tried to.

( _I know, I know you did, Nelyo_ )

There was blood on my neck. I struggled more. He pressed his mouth against mine. He was… he was…

( _Breathe, Nelyo_ )

… He was _aroused_. I could feel it. I did not know what to do. I could no longer scream. I no longer had tears to cry for I had not had water since before the ambush. While I tried to turn away he grabbed my other hand and twisted my arms, pulled me down before I could react.

( _I need to say this, Finnó for it burns in my mind but… I can not get the words out)_

_(Take your time, Nelyo. I am here to listen. You need not speak until you are ready)_

(...)

He was on top of me now. I kicked out again but it did not deter him. He held my wrists above my head. He...I thought he would...force me but then he stood up. I did not realize how much I was shaking. He told me he was going to take me to his Lord and he would decide when and if he would finish with me. The Maia..he said that _He_ would be more interested in me. Had been awaiting this for quite some time. I did not know, never even suspected the Moringotto of such...of such...


End file.
